Archive | Uncategorized RSS feed for this section

Will to Move

17 May

gods will

That morning I was driving to my 12-Step meeting. I used to tune in to “the Jesus Christ show” on the radio during the trip on Sunday mornings. Did you ever listen to it? The moderator is “Jesus.” He talks in the first person and when people call they’re talking to Jesus. Any Hoots, I had been thinking I could call and ask about my decision to move from San Diego to Sacramento, and God’s will, how do we know when it’s God’s will or our will? Then I thought, I wouldn’t have time to call–they put people on hold on these shows for 20 minutes or more, if someone can even get through. Then a caller came on the air, and it was a man who was deciding to move from Oregon to Southern California. He asked EXACTLY the questions I would’ve asked. Jesus is VERY good at his job. He often quotes or refers to Scripture. He said there are some things we know that God is against, for instance, the Ten Commandments tell us not to murder. So if we’re mowing the lawn, are we murdering? If we’re grocery shopping, are we murdering? No, then these acts don’t go against God’s will. Is moving to California or staying in Oregon against any of the commandments? No, okay then, we have choice. We can choose to go or choose to stay. Then we look at all the options and weigh how our decisions will affect the people involved. Where is our resistance? What or who is pushing back? Look at these, and examine them against our choices.

THEN, I went into my meeting and gave my friend her 24 year token at the beginning of the gathering. A few people shared about their personal situations; one man had to give up his home and all his possessions because everything was full of mold. Another woman recently moved and was still unpacking. She described the process that I was going through exactly. Compared it to a Fourth Step, like I did. (The Fourth Step tells us to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.) Inventorying all our possessions, deciding what to keep and what to discard.

I didn’t announce then that I had made my decision about moving. I didn’t want to put that into my share when I gave my friend her token, because I didn’t want to steal any of her thunder. Then I didn’t get called on to share–I knew I wouldn’t because of the token. They don’t need me sharing twice in the meeting, it’s certainly not The Lisa Show. So I volunteered to lead the meeting the following week where I made my big announcement. God is in charge–and God lets me know that, sometimes subtly, but sometimes He has to hit me on the head!

Dear judgy lady on Facebook- I hope you never learn about addiction the way I have.

7 May

Do the obese deserve insulin or a defibrilator? Do smokers deserve chemotherapy? Where does it stop when we start making these kind of calls ?

Source: Dear judgy lady on Facebook- I hope you never learn about addiction the way I have.

Karma?

16 Mar

Source: Karma?

Rain Result

21 Feb

Dear John,

I know you’re worried about us after all the news stories about rain and flooding in California. But we are just fine. I am writing this from somewhere in the Pacific. There has been so much rain that the house, which has been anchored to its foundation for 50 years, broke free of its moorings. I was watching a movie when it happened. Naturally, shore power immediately disconnected but my computer instantly went to battery mode, so I never noticed our house had moved until it actually bumped the neighbor’s garage as it passed. I think the neighbor’s anchor chain must be newer or stronger than mine, because his house was still there as we floated past.

All night we floated. Must’ve flowed into the American river, then joined the Sacramento River at the confluence. Downstream into the Delta, and under the Golden Gate Bridge this morning. Fogged in, as usual, we barely noticed Alcatraz until we almost hit it after an ocean-going tanker nearly swamped us in its wake.

It looks like our heading is toward the South China Sea. The Wi-fi is working, good thing we installed that long-range booster last month. Maria’s been on her ham radio so we know our current position, and we fashioned a rudimentary sextant out of the kitchen tongs and a protractor left over from geometry class. Once the rain clears we’ll be able to use dead reckoning as a navigational aid.

We have plenty of provisions, because I went grocery shopping just before we became unmoored. We’ll use last week’s mail for fire fuel, and melt the ice that surrounds Maria’s heart for drinking water. The cats have already caught a couple fish, although one of them scratched me as I took it away from him. But Maria knows first aid, having taken medical training with the sea cadets.

We’ve always wanted to see Hawai’i, looks like we’ll achieve our dream. Perhaps we’ll just fashion a new anchor out of old socks filled with knickknacks from around the house, and set up our new homestead on one of the outlying islands. Maria has already lassoed some seagulls and is harvesting their eggs, and teaching them to play piano for amusement. Their singing along though, has got to stop soon. It sounds like a quartet of Phyllis Diller on steroids.

We fear no pirates, for Chief Maria is a formidable opponent, and any seafaring criminal would do well to avoid her, especially at certain times of the month. Typhoons worry us not because our home is well-insured, and we used up all the aluminum foil as a barrier to spurious radiation from the Japanese failed reactor at Fukushima. I firmly believe if sharks sought us out, as a professional courtesy they’d leave us alone once our identity became known to them.

So John, all your worries are for naught. Maria is an able sailor and we are comfortable in our floating home. After a month of rain, we’re used to seeing water, water everywhere, so this constant Pacific is nothing new to us. We hope to see the stars and the sun again, and we’re looking forward to our impromptu vacation.

Love you!

Lisa

Need Something Lost? I’ve found your answer.

11 Nov

lost

Ever since my daughter Maria was little, she has had the perfect knack for losing things. Keys, parts, phones, money, hearing aids, the other shoe, clothes, documents, you name it, Maria has lost them. And sometimes never to be found.

One year, in autumn, she lost my keys. We searched high and low, tore the house apart. Never found them. In December, I was removing the pumpkin from the porch, getting ready to replace it with Christmas decorations, guess what we found behind the little orange sphere? My keys. What were they doing THERE??? One of life’s mysteries, I guess.
Yesterday she was in the kitchen, looking for the honey.

“It’s over there, behind the burners on the stove, next to the olive oil,” I told her. She retrieved the jar and slathered some honey on her cornbread.
Last night I wanted the honey for my tea. I looked behind the burners on the stove, the kitchen table, the counters. Not there. I searched the cabinet where the spices are kept. No honey. I looked in the pantry. Nope. The fridge? Could she have? Honey doesn’t go in the fridge, I’ve told her over and over, because it crystallizes and hardens…nah, not there either, good.

I checked where the pots and pans go, the plates and cups, even checked the dishwasher. You never know. I looked in the living room. Not a trace. Her bedroom? Fear gripped me as I thought of venturing into her room. Cautiously, I opened the door (lest any of the debris leak out), poked my head in, and a quick visual search from the doorway revealed no honey jar there either. Whew. I exhaled deeply and shut the door. The bathroom? Could she have???? I won’t tell you what I did find there, but thankfully honey was not on that gross list.
I decided then that God only wanted me to put lemon in my tea last night, no honey, dear. This lesson has been learned over the years, that my attachment to things need not be more important than my relationship with my daughter. When she was very young (and still sometimes today), I would freak out. “Where did she put that? How could she have lost it? What happened? What the hell is going on?”

There were times when I yelled and screamed and blamed Maria for her carelessness and forgetfulness. Folly of course, because she probably inherited these traits from me. The stress I caused was unbearable sometimes. Over the years I learned that it did no good to yell at Maria, on the contrary, it was counterproductive in the extreme. The anxiety of the loss of something would transfer to her developing psyche and the damage was evident. The forgetfulness increased. The losses mounted. Unhappiness and chaos reigned. Fortunately I sought counsel from people I trust. I realized that things can be replaced, but my children’s well-being could be irreparably damaged by a mother on the warpath. I am learning to let go of my attachment to things, and instead value the quality of how I nurture my children. I aim for progress, not perfection in this arena. But over the years, we’ve gotten better both at being organized and at letting go.

 
This morning Maria rifled through the kitchen looking for something to eat, and again asked,  “Mom, where is the honey?”

I reminded her that she was the last one to use our favorite sweetener, I had no idea where she could’ve stashed it, and my search had proven fruitless.
We were both in the kitchen laughing hysterically then. She’ll finish high school next year, and we’ve been examining career options. Hey, Maria could work for the Mafia, no, nothing illegal. What about the CIA? If they need something “Lost,” just hand it over to Maria, the world’s official “Hider.” She’ll hide it so well that even she can’t find it. They can torture her, won’t matter, because she CANNOT remember, it’s like it never happened. “Honey? What honey? We had honey? I like honey!” Just keep swimming, Maria.

Maria came into the kitchen as I was writing. She sauntered over to the refrigerator for water. And guess what? She found the honey, hiding behind her sister’s leftovers. Another day here.

Going Back To Jail: Tracing My Journey On The Trauma-to-Prison Pipeline

31 Oct

I went back to jail last Wednesday, on October 27, 2016. The night before the surrendering (and it was a self-surrender for me), I sat, going over my talk in my head, I threw-up in my mouth twice—t…

Source: Going Back To Jail: Tracing My Journey On The Trauma-to-Prison Pipeline

Fear attracts

29 Aug

glass menagerieDid you ever read the play The Glass Menagerie by Tennessee Williams, or did you ever see the movie?

In the story, the mother, Amanda, has raised her two children without their father, who deserted the family when the children were young. The daughter, Laura, had polio as a child, and walks with a limp.  Laura is painfully shy and has dropped out of high school, then also dropped out of a secretarial school her mother encouraged her to enroll in. Laura spends her days tending to her collection of glass animals. The son, Tom, is a frustrated poet who works in a shoe factory to help support the family.

The mother has two great fears:

  1. Laura will grow up and become a spinster (an old, unmarried, lonely woman).
  2. Tom will leave them, just as his father did.

Because of her fears, the mother is full of anxiety and constantly berates her grown children. Because of the anxiety the mother projects on Laura, Laura becomes even more withdrawn and shy. Laura never leaves the house, preferring the company of her glass menagerie.

The mother nags Tom endlessly, asking him to find a suitor for his sister, to better himself, to work harder for the family. Tom brings home a male co-worker, but Laura hides in her room while the mother flirts with the guest. Finally Laura comes out of hiding, only to learn that the guest was someone she had a crush on in high school, and he is already engaged to another. The guest also breaks Laura’s favorite animal, her unicorn. Laura is emotionally demolished and retreats to her room.

The mother blames the whole thing on Tom. Tom should’ve known who the guest was, and that he was already engaged. Tom was innocent of these crimes. Eventually he can’t take it anymore, and he packs his stuff and leaves the household for good.

What I took away from this play: by focusing on her fears, the mother brought them into being. The things which she feared most, she caused to happen by her emotions and behaviors. The mother’s negative energy brought her fears to life.

The law of attraction is the name given to the maxim “like attracts like.” The law of attraction is used to sum up the idea that by focusing on positive or negative thoughts, a person brings positive or negative experiences into their life. In the play, the mother’s constant negativity brought the very things she feared to fruition.

My philosophy, eclectic at its core, is that I trust there is a benevolent Force in the Universe which is taking care of everything. I can let go of my fears and anxieties by confiding them to someone, bringing them to the light of day. That way I can discern my most of my fears are usually needless, often childish, and frequently not based in fact or reality.

I get reminded that “everything, everywhere, is already all right.” The earth is self-correcting. What is supposed to happen is what will happen. I can choose negativity and anxiety, or I can trust that my Higher Power has my back and positive adventures and gifts come my way. This has been true for me so far, and I trust it will continue to be so.

 

%d bloggers like this: