Archive | Letting Go RSS feed for this section

Will to Move

17 May

gods will

That morning I was driving to my 12-Step meeting. I used to tune in to “the Jesus Christ show” on the radio during the trip on Sunday mornings. Did you ever listen to it? The moderator is “Jesus.” He talks in the first person and when people call they’re talking to Jesus. Any Hoots, I had been thinking I could call and ask about my decision to move from San Diego to Sacramento, and God’s will, how do we know when it’s God’s will or our will? Then I thought, I wouldn’t have time to call–they put people on hold on these shows for 20 minutes or more, if someone can even get through. Then a caller came on the air, and it was a man who was deciding to move from Oregon to Southern California. He asked EXACTLY the questions I would’ve asked. Jesus is VERY good at his job. He often quotes or refers to Scripture. He said there are some things we know that God is against, for instance, the Ten Commandments tell us not to murder. So if we’re mowing the lawn, are we murdering? If we’re grocery shopping, are we murdering? No, then these acts don’t go against God’s will. Is moving to California or staying in Oregon against any of the commandments? No, okay then, we have choice. We can choose to go or choose to stay. Then we look at all the options and weigh how our decisions will affect the people involved. Where is our resistance? What or who is pushing back? Look at these, and examine them against our choices.

THEN, I went into my meeting and gave my friend her 24 year token at the beginning of the gathering. A few people shared about their personal situations; one man had to give up his home and all his possessions because everything was full of mold. Another woman recently moved and was still unpacking. She described the process that I was going through exactly. Compared it to a Fourth Step, like I did. (The Fourth Step tells us to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.) Inventorying all our possessions, deciding what to keep and what to discard.

I didn’t announce then that I had made my decision about moving. I didn’t want to put that into my share when I gave my friend her token, because I didn’t want to steal any of her thunder. Then I didn’t get called on to share–I knew I wouldn’t because of the token. They don’t need me sharing twice in the meeting, it’s certainly not The Lisa Show. So I volunteered to lead the meeting the following week where I made my big announcement. God is in charge–and God lets me know that, sometimes subtly, but sometimes He has to hit me on the head!

Need Something Lost? I’ve found your answer.

11 Nov

lost

Ever since my daughter Maria was little, she has had the perfect knack for losing things. Keys, parts, phones, money, hearing aids, the other shoe, clothes, documents, you name it, Maria has lost them. And sometimes never to be found.

One year, in autumn, she lost my keys. We searched high and low, tore the house apart. Never found them. In December, I was removing the pumpkin from the porch, getting ready to replace it with Christmas decorations, guess what we found behind the little orange sphere? My keys. What were they doing THERE??? One of life’s mysteries, I guess.
Yesterday she was in the kitchen, looking for the honey.

“It’s over there, behind the burners on the stove, next to the olive oil,” I told her. She retrieved the jar and slathered some honey on her cornbread.
Last night I wanted the honey for my tea. I looked behind the burners on the stove, the kitchen table, the counters. Not there. I searched the cabinet where the spices are kept. No honey. I looked in the pantry. Nope. The fridge? Could she have? Honey doesn’t go in the fridge, I’ve told her over and over, because it crystallizes and hardens…nah, not there either, good.

I checked where the pots and pans go, the plates and cups, even checked the dishwasher. You never know. I looked in the living room. Not a trace. Her bedroom? Fear gripped me as I thought of venturing into her room. Cautiously, I opened the door (lest any of the debris leak out), poked my head in, and a quick visual search from the doorway revealed no honey jar there either. Whew. I exhaled deeply and shut the door. The bathroom? Could she have???? I won’t tell you what I did find there, but thankfully honey was not on that gross list.
I decided then that God only wanted me to put lemon in my tea last night, no honey, dear. This lesson has been learned over the years, that my attachment to things need not be more important than my relationship with my daughter. When she was very young (and still sometimes today), I would freak out. “Where did she put that? How could she have lost it? What happened? What the hell is going on?”

There were times when I yelled and screamed and blamed Maria for her carelessness and forgetfulness. Folly of course, because she probably inherited these traits from me. The stress I caused was unbearable sometimes. Over the years I learned that it did no good to yell at Maria, on the contrary, it was counterproductive in the extreme. The anxiety of the loss of something would transfer to her developing psyche and the damage was evident. The forgetfulness increased. The losses mounted. Unhappiness and chaos reigned. Fortunately I sought counsel from people I trust. I realized that things can be replaced, but my children’s well-being could be irreparably damaged by a mother on the warpath. I am learning to let go of my attachment to things, and instead value the quality of how I nurture my children. I aim for progress, not perfection in this arena. But over the years, we’ve gotten better both at being organized and at letting go.

 
This morning Maria rifled through the kitchen looking for something to eat, and again asked,  “Mom, where is the honey?”

I reminded her that she was the last one to use our favorite sweetener, I had no idea where she could’ve stashed it, and my search had proven fruitless.
We were both in the kitchen laughing hysterically then. She’ll finish high school next year, and we’ve been examining career options. Hey, Maria could work for the Mafia, no, nothing illegal. What about the CIA? If they need something “Lost,” just hand it over to Maria, the world’s official “Hider.” She’ll hide it so well that even she can’t find it. They can torture her, won’t matter, because she CANNOT remember, it’s like it never happened. “Honey? What honey? We had honey? I like honey!” Just keep swimming, Maria.

Maria came into the kitchen as I was writing. She sauntered over to the refrigerator for water. And guess what? She found the honey, hiding behind her sister’s leftovers. Another day here.

%d bloggers like this: